I offer mediation services to help couples and families figure out a solution to their difficulties, whether it is in the context of a separation or divorce; an ongoing relationship or marriage; or a decision-point in a relationship. I am also available to work on matters such as disagreements with children, teens, adult siblings, and aging parents.  In addition, I have worked with divorcing or divorced couples to improve their working relationships. I have experience with LGBT relationships as well.

My experience has shown that couples (or families) who wish to work out an interpersonal issue between them can often benefit from a single mediation session.

Divorce Mediation

Divorce Mediation is a field that has been around for about 30 years and still has many unanswered questions.  The laws relating to divorce in New York State offer protections for spouses who may not have property in their own names or who may not be earning as much income as the other spouse. The law views the marriage as an economic partnership and provides for equitable distribution of marital assets. At the same time, certain property may be considered “separate property”, which is not included among the marital assets. The law also provides that certain assets which may not be thought of as marital assets by parties, such as pensions relating to income earned during the marriage, and even licenses and degrees obtained during the marriage, are included among marital assets. The concept of equitable distribution does not necessarily mean equal distribution, but often does.  Despite the law, all of this can be changed by pre-nuptual contracts if they were entered into properly. Parties are of course free to agree to a different allocation of assets upon divorce.

The law also provides for the possibility of spousal support (also called spousal maintenance; formerly called alimony).  Whether and how much spousal support is appropriate in a given case is often unclear, but there are factors set forth in the law.

As part of a divorce with children a decision needs to be made regarding where the children will live, and a plan for the children to spend time with each parent. A decision must be made regarding legal custody: which parent (or both parents jointly) has the authority to make important decisions in the children’s lives, such as medical, educational, religious and disciplinary.  The law provides a formula for calculating child support. Couples with children must either follow the child support formula or explain why and how they are deviating from it.

Because the law is complicated and unclear regarding equitable distribution and spousal support, finding out what the law would provide in any particular case is difficult for any given couple without the advice of consulting attorneys. It should be possible for each party to consult an attorney for an hour or two and obtain the attorney’s best view of what the law would provide in their case. If the case requires some research, it may take somewhat longer.

Many divorce mediators agree that parties should know what the law provides.  Some divorce mediators do not feel it is important. Some divorce mediators will insist that parties consult attorneys. Others will not. Some divorce mediators will recommend that parties see consulting attorneys at the beginning of a mediation; others will go through the entire mediation and then have parties review the final agreement with their review attorneys.

The term “divorce mediation” is not entirely accurate in my view. Divorce mediators are different from facilitative mediators in other fields. Facilitative mediators generally do not offer opinions or advice and do not offer information or a framework for approaching an issue. Many divorce mediators, however,  feel it is their job to offer some basic information and guide the parties through the process.  However, they can not offer the kind of legal analysis that consulting attorneys can offer, regardless of whether they are trained as attorneys or not. Therefore, they are in an awkward position when guiding the parties through the process, especially if the parties have not consulted attorneys and do not have a clear idea of how or on what basis they want to make decisions in their situation.

Couples who want a divorce and want to avoid spending a lot of money are in a quandary. If they do not consult attorneys to get appropriate legal advice, they may be missing information that will cost one party more than they will be saving — perhaps much more. They also may not know how to find a competent attorney who will give them the legal analysis they want and need without steering them toward an adversarial stance or litigation.

Couples who seek divorce mediation are often looking for some kind of guidance through this difficult process. They want someone to help make it easier and less expensive, but they do not know what the role of the divorce mediator should be.  The parties should think about what role they want the divorce mediator to play. Do they want the divorce mediator to guide them in some way or to help them work through some specific disagreements? If they want guidance, on what basis should the mediator guide them?

It would be helpful if couples thought in advance about what they agree on and what they disagree on. Do they agree that they want to get a divorce?  Do they each have a complete list of all assets and liabilities and the value of each? Have they thought about how much each of them will need to live separately? Have they considered developing detailed budgets? Do they want to divide their marital assets in half or in some other proportion? Can they agree on which assets they each will get?  Do they agree that there should or should not be spousal support? If so, how much and for how long? Do they agree on where the children will live,  when they will spend time with each parent and whether there will be sole or joint decision-making (legal custody). Do they know what the law on child support provides and whether they will follow the child support formula or deviate from it?

Parties can think about many or all of these issues on their own. It may seem like a lot of work, but they will have to do it either alone (after consulting attorneys) or with a mediator or attorneys (and/or a financial expert). It will be less expensive to do as much as possible on their own, with the advice  of attorneys, tax experts, financial experts, as necessary. A well thought out use of each of these experts as needed, as well as the use of a mediator to resolve intractable differences, can provide a good cost-effective result.

The couple needs to find a way to begin to think about these issues. They can consult separate attorneys as a starting point. After they have consulted their separate attorneys, they can try to talk to one another to decide what they agree on and disagree on. If conversation is too difficult between the spouses, they can have the conversation with a mediator. If they can agree on some issues between themselves they are more likely to save time and money and end up with an agreement that satisfies them both.

Ideally, if after consulting attorneys and discussing the issues between themselves, there remain areas of disagreement, these specific disagreements can be brought to a mediator who is skilled at helping parties resolve disagreements. I am available to serve in that role.

Training and Experience in Family Mediation:

I have attended many training programs and continuing education seminars in the fields of general mediation, divorce mediation, custody and visitation mediation, parent-teen mediation, elder mediation, divorce law and other relevant topics.  I continue to attend such programs regularly. In addition, I am a mediator in the New York City Family Court Mediation Program and in both the Westchester and Queens County Supreme Court’s Matrimonial Mediation Programs. I am an immediate past co-president of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New York. I also write articles in the general field of mediation, and specifically in the divorce and family mediation area. In addition, I organize programs for the enrichment and education of mediators. The following is a link to a recent article for family and divorce mediators:  Bridging Differences in Divorce and Family Mediation.